I cannot protect my young children from the news. Despite our strict restrictions on internet and television, President Trump’s face and words loop constantly. The buzz percolates. Yesterday when my 5-year-old daughter asked, “Mama, what’s a pussy?,” I knew I wasn’t the only parent fielding the question.
“Well, it’s an old-fashioned way to say cat.” My daughter smiled. “It’s also a way to say vagina.” Her eyebrows furrowed.
Déjà vu to last year when my 6-year-old son asked, “Mama, what does whore mean?”
I thought I had Lin-Manuel Miranda — MacArthur genius, Grammy, Emmy and Tony award-winning playwright, composer and lyricist — to thank for that conversation. If you haven’t heard it, the opening line of Miranda’s mega-hit Broadway musical “Hamilton” is “How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore grow up to be a scholar?” It’s absurdly catchy, perfectly parsed, and sung by young children daily.
I had hoped that my son had heard someone singing “Hamilton” and that we would be able to turn his question into a fun praise-fest of Lin-Manuel Miranda or a patriotic musing on past American presidents. But he had heard a boy call a girl a whore, an age-old insult, loud and clear.
My 6-year-old son asked, ‘Mama, what does whore mean?
I want to put my dilemma in perspective. We live in Berkeley, California, a liberal enclave where second-graders casually say “organic” and “transphobic”; their vocabulary is perhaps more sophisticated, maybe more colorful, than average. And children everywhere use words without knowing or caring about their meaning. I do not want my children to be so insulated from adult life that they are afraid of rough or suggestive language. But it’s important that they understand the history and impact of words, their contextual power.
“Whore is a mean way to say woman,” I said, after a long pause.
My daughter wondered about pussy; my son wondered about whore; my friend’s son came home wondering about bastard. “It’s a child without a father.” Really? “It’s a child whose parents aren’t married.” Is that right? What do we say when we really don’t know what to say, but we know that the word is charged and offensive? Forbidding a word without discussion (or washing a child’s mouth out with soap, the preferred consequence in my day) does the opposite of squashing out its use: It makes the word more powerful and dangerous, and leaves children mystified and confused. Instead, consider the following.
Assume innocence
It annoyed me when my son combined the names of two of my best friends (they both have brown skin), Solange and Jolan, into “Solan.” But his gaffe was more a function of his age and lack of facility with language, not an indication that he thinks that women are interchangeable or that all people with brown skin look alike. Children, like adults, make a lot of mistakes; theirs are generally innocent. “And don’t be surprised when your young child overgeneralizes. Humans have evolved to categorize. Teach children to widen their categories,” counsels Aki Raymer, parenting coach and Positive Discipline trainer. Anyone can be a doctor or love trucks or wear pink.
Find out what the child already knows or thinks
Determine how much information is needed to satisfy the child’s curiosity. Ask, “What do you think that word means?” or “Why do you ask?” You may be surprised by the answers. “Ask gentle, curious questions to uncover the child’s background knowledge — whether or not their data are accurate, they collected it themselves,” advises Lisa D’Amour, psychologist and author of “Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood.” The answers to these questions shape the kind of conversation you will have next: How deep will you need to go?
Take your time
D’Amour says it is acceptable to stall with, “That’s a really good question, and it deserves a really good answer.” Check in with yourself, with trusted adults and other resources, and return to your child better prepared. But it is critical that you do circle back to the conversation, that you do not sweep it under the rug or let the teachable moment pass. It can be downright embarrassing speaking with children about sex and sexuality, and to many parents, especially white parents, it can feel racist to talk about race. But if you avoid a topic, children come to think of it as taboo and their misconceptions persist, becoming entrenched beliefs.
Thank the child for coming to you
React naturally to hearing your offspring say something off-color — gasp, laugh, exclaim. Take a deep breath and pay attention to where you are feeling flustered: face, gut, heart? Are you embarrassed, disgusted or saddened? Be mindful of the ways in which you are triggered by your child’s words, and avoid becoming angry. Thank your child for speaking openly, and approach the conversation with a spirit of curiosity. “Do not imply that your child is a bad person for asking or not knowing something,” warns Sima Misra, administrator and educator. You want your children to feel safe trying out new words and ideas with you. If you punish or shame them, your children won’t come to you, and will instead practice using this language around their peers, who won’t be able to offer the same loving guidance.
Keep it simple; keep euphemisms to a minimum
Children usually seek denotative definitions, just the facts. “Don’t offer a three-paragraph essay when they just need one line,” says D’Amour. Young children benefit from the use of scientific rather than colloquial terms. In our home, we call our son’s skin color “pink” and his hair “yellow,” using descriptive language rather than the loaded terms “white” and “blond.” To say that someone “passed” or that people are “making love” confuses, while “death” and “sex” are terms that children can hear, even before they are old enough to process or completely understand. “You do not have to teach your son all about sex before you can impart to him the fact that the word whore is used to control and hurt women,” says Peggy Orenstein, best-selling author of “Girls and Sex” and “Cinderella Ate My Daughter.”
Model your values, including empathy and respect for others
While “they do not need a Ph.D. lecture,” says Alison Park, diversity and inclusion consultant and founder of Blink Consulting, “kids in elementary school have the capacity to understand social injustice.” There is a big difference between feeling sorry for someone and imagining how it might be to walk a mile in her shoes. Recalling familiar anecdotes such as “the time your cousin wouldn’t let you play,” ask children to relate to and consider the experiences of the marginalized groups who are the targets of slurs. The experts all emphasize the importance of early and routine positive exposure to difference. Expose your child to diverse characters who defy stereotypes in books, media and real life.
Next time my kids ask me about a bully’s epithets, I will be ready. It is not so much about the words we use in our answers to children’s tough questions as the intention and connection behind them.
This piece was also informed by interviews with Jan Elise Sells, consultant on crisis invention and conflict resolution; and Deborah Raphael, social worker and clinical consultant to schools.